Author unknown- please inform me if you find out who wrote this! I found this on a raw food forum I frequent, link found in the Getting Started section.
Carrot: Hello Mr. Kibble, thank you for joining me today.
Kibble: You're welcome. I must say though, I had to wait 6 weeks for this
Carrot: Were you refrigerated?
Kibble: No, I don't have to be. Why do you ask?
Carrot: I read in your resume that you are made from natural chicken, animal
fat, apples, cottage cheese, grains and many other perishable ingredients.
How could you not spoil?
Kibble: This is going to be a hostile interview, isn't it?
Carrot: Would you please answer my question? All my friends would begin to
decay and rot in a few hours? How do you stay so...un-moldy?
Kibble: The people who make me wear white coats. I'm sure they know what
they are doing. Besides, the research department worked really closely with
marketing on this issue. Who made you?
Kibble: Never heard of that company. But it's a catchy name - dog spelled
Carrot: Really, let's figure this out. Meat and fat - yet you never spoil.
And you look so... inert.
Kibble: Well, I am naturally preserved. The purchasing department says I
don't have to worry because the fat is loaded with preservatives from the
Carrot: But I thought you were all natural!
Kibble: The legal department looked into this and as long as our people with
white coats just add a little Vitamin E and Rosemary it's OK to call me
natural and I never go bad because there's enough preservative in the fat
that comes from the rendering plant to keep me from going bad.
Carrot: So even though you're 'natural' you could be loaded with
preservatives from your suppliers?
Kibble: That's right.
Carrot: I still think there's something else - you never go bad at room
Kibble: Well, there is more. I am so highly heated and processed that all
the 'life' goes out of me. In a sense - I die and become a new molecular
substance that is called 'inert'. I am no longer 'food' as you know it.
Carrot: Err...sounds cool. But now that you're dead and inert, who would
want to eat you?
Kibble: You mean you've never heard of 'protein digest' spray? After I come
out of the extruder I'm sprayed with an irresistible protein digest and
vitamin mix. It's all approved by our in-house vet. We pay him $90,000
dollars a year to make sure I'm nutritionally complete.
Carrot: But underneath that spray you're dead and inert!
Kibble: That's the coolest part! The finance department figured this out.
It's called 'fixed price'. I really wish I had thought of this.
Carrot: You're inert. You can't think. What is fixed price?
Kibble: Fixed price is a great marketing tool so I cost the exact same
amount each week in the retail store. It all ties together because I can be
kept in warehouses for months to take advantage of good pricing.
Carrot: But your ingredients can't possibly stay the same price from week to
week. The market fluctuates all the time.
Kibble: Not a problem! Let's say the price of chicken goes up. The people in
white coats just reduce the chicken and add fillers that keep the cost the
same. They have complete control over the gross profit. The share holders
LOVE this because they can always make their car payments right on schedule.
The other option is 'fixed formula' but that was voted down because we
couldn't compete if the price keeps changing. Adjusting the formula is easy!
Carrot: But what about nutrition??
Kibble: Remember, I'm dead and inert so in a sense it doesn't matter what
goes into me. After I'm processed, heated and extruded, it's really that
magic spray that gives me all the nutrition. Besides, dog's have livers and
immune systems to remove the other stuff.
Carrot: Wow... is that 'natural'??
Kibble: Sure. soak me in a glass of water and you'll see I break down into a
pasty brown substance. It's an earth tone - very natural.
Carrot: I'm looking real closely. All I see is a brown pasty substance.
Where are the meat, fat, apples, cottage cheese and grains?
Kibble: You don't know anything, do you? That's where the graphics
department comes in. Didn't you see the full color photo of the chickens,
apples and other fresh ingredients nicely printed on the bag? They show me
on the cover, not as I actually am, but as people would expect me to be.
That packaging costs a small fortune. Legal says it's okay.
Carrot: That's comforting. If your lawyer says its okay then I feel much
better. What about wholesome ingredients and freshness?
Kibble: Those are just 'concepts' that people have come up with - I'm
convinced that if your packaging and marketing materials are really good
then we can overcome anything. That's why we pay those marketing people what
Carrot: Listen, I'm beginning to feel a little funny around the edges so I
have to go back in the fridge. Thanks for stopping by!
Kibble: My pleasure.